The Price Is Right

These Dodger fans enjoy scarfing popcorn and chowing down on Dodger
Dogs in the all-you-can-eat seats. Ballparks across the country have joined
in reserving a section for those on a tight budget.

In the latest installment of trying to make our hands reach across America, I give you Exhibit A – as in an all-you-can-eat buffet.

That's right, folks. Even the sports world has turned our country of normal-weight people into a country of Michelin men and women.

Last year, a few teams experimented with an all-you-can-eat section – usually somewhere in the nosebleed section, where they can charge a little more than the average ticket price to put a few more butts in the seats.

This year, that idea has caught on like a wildfire in baseball stadiums across the country. While some of the 19 stadiums have the buffet for special occasions, a few clubs are making it a daily special.

For the price of about $40 per ticket, fans get a seat – usually in the outfield bleachers – and all the hot dogs, nachos, soda and peanuts they can eat. Pepto Bismol not included.

For a family on a tight budget, this is absolutely perfect. They know exactly how much they're going to spend by going to a game, and it allows everyone to spend some quality time at the ballpark. It also allows Mom to avoid turning on the stove, while making sure everybody gets their fill – albeit not the nutritious of meals.

What they don't tell you is the dirty little secrets about that section.

First off, most of the food is sub-par compared to the rest of the stadium. That usually happens when you try to prepare massive quantities of food all at once before the hoards of masses start lining up at the trough like a bunch of ... well... pigs.

The other thing they don't tell you is that facilities in that section are usually scarce. So just as that last plate of nachos works its way through your system, everybody else is also dealing with the same discomfort. Right around the seventh-inning stretch, the section usually clears out and all that's left is a gassy plume that smells of rotten meat and sweat.

While it isn't quite a luxury box and may not be the most ideal way to watch a game, you can't beat the price. And if you live in places like Pittsburgh or Kansas City, the all-you-can-eat seats provide you a way too eat your feelings while sharing in the misery with your fellow fans.

Too bad beer isn't included.

Predicting Doomsday

"Macho Man" Randy Savage seemed like a perfect pick
to be the first one taken during the Rapture. Who wouldn't
want someone like him guarding the pearly gates when the
rest of the world ascends to heaven?

If you are reading this, chances are you were left behind during the Rapture. Either that or you have been are in hell, which means that you are about to lose your internet connection right... about... now.

Those of that fell for Harold Camping's prediction to the end of the world, do not feel ashamed. All looked well when God selected "Macho Man" Randy Savage early Saturday afternoon as the first pick of the Rapture. Who wouldn't want a flashy wrestler like that guarding the pearly gates as millions of people tried to find their way into heaven like it was the Super Bowl?

But for future reference, Camping might want to take a closer look at the sports world before making such a bold prediction.

For starters, while "Macho Man" was selected, God might also call upon some of the best NFL linemen to serve as bodyguards. As any quarterback in the NFL will tell you, you can never have too much help on the blindside – just ask Joe Theismann.

While the current NFL lockout may point toward the end of days for most sports fans, the fact still remains that there are some cities who are so starved for a championship, they would sell their soul to Satan – or Miami, but that's really splitting hairs.

That's right Buffalo and Cleveland, I'm talking about you.

A few years ago, the Sabres even reached the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since the 1979-80 season – only to be denied by the Dallas Stars. Dallas had already been a nemesis of Buffalo residents long before that, as Bills fans can attest, seeing the Cowboys steal championships in the closing seconds.

Meanwhile, the LeBron led Cavs had their shot against the Lakers. The Tribe also had its chances, but Edgar Renteria's single dashed their hopes in Game 7 of the World Series. Turns out, Camping might want to look at "Back To The Future" more than the Bible for his next prediction.

Of course, Camping has said that we won't start seeing signs of the coming Apocalypse for another five months. Ironically, that would put it in October – or just as the Cubs and Indians begin making their quest for titles and the NFL and NBA seasons are getting started.

So if you see these teams start taking off, you might want to visit your local church on a regular basis. Either that or face a diving elbow drop straight to hell.

The King Of The Twin Cities

Harmon Killebrew was not only an outstanding hitter, but
a true gentleman. With his passing, fans across the nation
morn the loss of a great human being.

Baseball lost a great one today.

Harmon Killebrew was known for smashing tape-measure shots, but even the most fearsome hitter of his era couldn't beat a disease that has killed millions – cancer.

Minnesotans, the world mourns with you on this day. While many of you grew up going to Metropolitan Stadium to watch "The Killer" send lasers over the outfield fences, it wasn't until later in life that we learned about Harmon Killebrew, the man.

His aggressive style of attacking the ball was completely contradictory from his personality. Even with his size and nickname, the kid from Idaho wouldn't hurt a fly. His compassion and caring nature made him a fan favorite in an area of the country that's known for being gracious hosts. He epitomized all that was right with baseball and Minnesota.

Even after the likes of Kirby Puckett and Joe Mauer have worn the pinstriped Twins uniform, fans are quick to point out that Killebrew is still king of the Twin Cities. There's a street near the Mall of America – the former home of Metropolitan Stadium – name after him. He even has his own root beer.

On the field, Killebrew 573 career home runs for 11th on the all-time list. Even more amazing was the fact he did most of his damage during the "dead-ball era" – a time when pitchers dominated the game. He was also an 11-time All-Star and the first Twin enshrined at Cooperstown.

After learning he had cancer in December, the Twins invited the Killer to throw out the first pitch of the home opener this season. Instead, Killebrew chose to stay in Arizona and battle the deadly disease, while allowing his friend of 50 years, Tony Oliva, and his grandson, Casey Killebrew to partake in the event on his behalf. No doubt he would have loved to have been there.

So on this day, let's not mourn the loss of a great one – that wouldn't be what Killebrew would want. He would suggest that carry on like nothing had happened. And while it hurts to see a legend go, fans in Minnesota should all raise a glass of Killebrew Root Beer as a salute to a man who was the face of the franchise for so many years.

Did Michael Jordan Ever Quit....?

Michael Jordan didn't even let the referees quit during his games. Just imagine how he
feels about "The Quitness" and watching the Lakers fold against Dallas last Sunday.

Let's take a trip through history, shall we? Today marks the one-year anniversary of what Cleveland Cavaliers fans call "The Quitness" – a day that eventually led to LeBron James taking his talents to South Beach.

Over the years, a lot of athletes have been chided for not giving 100 percent every game of every season. Few were ever crucified as much as LBJ after going 3 for 14 against the Celtics, and no doubt, for the kind of money King James is making a 3 for 14 showing shouldn't happen – especially at home.

The real question is, what is it about this time of year that makes people want to quit? Is it the fact that school is getting out and summer is just around the corner? Or maybe the blazing sun is frying people's brains?

Either way, LeBron wasn't the last athlete to give up. Just a few days ago, the entire Los Angeles Lakers team threw in the towel while getting swept by Dallas. While Kobe Bryant didn't quit per-se – Phil Jackson actually took him out before the game ended – that makes two mega superstars who ended the season on a bad note.

Who knows? Maybe Kobe is thinking about taking his talents to South Beach, as well. What I do know is that Michael Jordan never quit and was only swept out of the playoffs twice – both occurring in his first two years and not in his prime.

We've all heard how Jordan was cut in high school. Now, just imagine if he had quit right then. He might be just another Joe Small Businessman trying to make his way in the world instead of one of the greatest players to ever strap on... well Jordans.

Everybody wants to compare James and Bryant to Jordan – it's just natural. Even when Kobe and LeBron say they want to be their own man, they can't help but be overshadowed by what His Airness did.

Kobe has the titles to be in the conversation, while LeBron is still looking for his. But what Michael did – along with Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman to some extent – was he changed the face of basketball for the city of Chicago. He took a team that was just another small market in the Midwest and turned it into America's team.

LeBron was well on his way to doing the same thing in Cleveland with even less to work with – that is until last year. Now, he's become more of a No. 2 to Dwyane Wade in Miami. He might get his first ring in Miami – a place that's no stranger to titles – as long as the Heat can get past LeBron's old nemisis, the Celtics.

But you have to wonder, was it really worth it – spurning family, friends and a entire city that loved you – just so you could hand the reigns to someone else and share the responsibility?

Horse power vs. Horsepower

Two minutes can't go by fast enough for this group of 

horses. While adding a touch of high society, isn't horse

racing just NASCAR with whips?

It's that time of the year again. Tomorrow we will trade in our fancy electronics for one of the oldest and most exciting events in the sports world – the Kentucky Derby.

What is it about horse racing that draws thousands of people to Churchill Downs on the first Saturday in May? Is it the taste of high-class society? The fact that everybody is wearing hats that put Princess Beatrice's hat to shame? Or maybe people just enjoy seeing little people try and steer an animal that's about four times their size by using a whip?

Whatever the reason, there's no shame in enjoying one of the great American sporting events. It seems like every entry has a story, and I for one, often enjoy hearing the backstory behind each horse.

On top of that, the amount of manpower and the hours put in to get ready for Saturday's race are astonishing. From the bookies taking bets to the people who groom the horses and lead them to the track, nothing can compare in terms of getting ready for this kind of event – not the Super Bowl, not the World Series – nothing.

But really, if you think about it, isn't the Kentucky Derby just the Daytona 500 with less horsepower (my apologies for the terrible pun)?

There's something about sipping mint juleps and singing "My Old Kentucky Home" that makes it acceptable by the wealthier class, whereas drinking beer on top of your RV is just trashy. In fact, several people will put on their Sunday best on Saturday, then turn around and wear a faded T-shirt and jeans with holes in them on Sunday. To those people, I salute you for living life the way you desire.

So as you turn on ESPN and listen to countless hours of predictions and heart-warming stories while drinking mint juleps and trying to figure out which horse to put your life savings on, just remember not to overdo it. Two minutes may go by in the blink of an eye, but the folks at NASCAR also like racing in circles at high speeds... and they don't use whips. 

Of course, if whips, hats and beasts of burden are your thing, then you just have to wait a couple of weeks to enjoy high society again... or contact your local escort service.

When Worlds Collide

Mets and Phillies fans began cheering when the news of Osama bin
Laden's death broke. While it may be wrong to cheer for someone's death,
who can't help but to love this great American moment?

It used to be that sports and politics were mutually exclusive from each other. Those that followed the political races thought sports fans were just a bunch of dumb jocks, while those rabid sports fans thought the politicos were nerdy bookworms.

But on Sunday night, the two worlds collided, resulting in moment that sent chills down your spine.

While two historic U.S. cities – Philadelphia and New York – squared off in a classic 14-inning battle, an announcement flashed on the scoreboard at Citizens Bank Park. Osama bin Laden had been killed.

Mets fans – from the city bin Laden terrorized nearly 10 years ago – and Phillies fans – a rowdy bunch from the city where the Declaration of Independence was signed – unanimously began the chant of "USA! USA! USA!"

I'm not sure how many of New York's bravest men and women were watching the game – probably a lot less considering the Mets' abysmal record – but for those that were watching, they probably had to dab away the tears.

Philadelphia fans have often been chastised for the way they treat an opponent's fans. Many times, has there been beer thrown or spit flung through the air, but for everyone who lost in the attack, this event showed that we haven't forgotten. Philadelphia, you and your fans should be applauded for showing so much class.

Like the 14-inning classic, it has been a long and winding road over the last 10 years to track down one of the world's most renown terrorist. There have been ups and downs.

Although we may not have had any control over when President Obama signed the action that sentenced bin Laden to death, it just felt right to make the announcement during that time. Two teams from cities that epitomize America, playing America's pastime, locked in an epic battle.

If that doesn't make you want to grab a slice of apple pie, shoot off some fireworks and salute the Stars and Stripes, then perhaps you might enjoy watching hockey and saying "about" in a funny way.